It’s not winter just yet damnit! It’s still fall, metal season in Chinese medicine. The purification time, the time to let all the shit go, except the essentials needed to get through the long, sparse, isolating winter.
It’s been a while since my blog post & I have to say it’s mostly because I was really struggling with a broken heart. Not exactly the most uplifting way to go into a holiday season. But it’s the truth. And I’ve been looking into what’s true lately, at least what I believe to be true.
Not only did I suffer from broken heart syndrome, I was searching through the relationship files of my inner self and digging up some old belief patterns. Some of those patterns needed to be seen & loved into surrendering so I could let go. Sounds nice doesn’t it.
Well it wasn’t nice at all! It was hell, it was torture really. I had to shift through shame, unworthiness, rage, the deepest of grief and finally I was able to let go. Reluctantly, which spun me back toward the start. And so that was pretty much what it was/has been for the last 2 years.
Am I on the other side of it? In some ways I am still processing. However, it’s no longer about my ex-partner. It’s all now about me now. I saw a lot of my co-dependence show up, I saw lots of my inner child that needed care and I paid attention to who I was and made choices around who I wanted to be.
This is what life is for me now. A series of explorations that allow me to learn about love, relationships with lovers, friends, family, as well as my internal and external experiences of life and how it aligns with the life I want to live.
So here I am. After years of struggling I am easing now into acceptance. I am seeing my vulnerability to be honest, to be alone, to be compassionate with myself as the greatest strengths. This has been the work, cultivating the person I want to be.
The good and the bad news of it is that I’m not done. It’s just my 44th turn around the sun. There’s so much more exploring to be done in the realm of the heart and the art of letting shit go. And I couldn’t feel happier about the whole damn thing!