Take Heart

It surprises people that as an acupuncturist, my patients/clients reveal so much personal information to me. Particularly about past trauma, deep fear, old grief and feelings trapped in the body. Often when this personal information is revealed there are tears and many are surprised that they have suddenly opened their hearts and shared so much with someone they hardly know.

I’m used to it by now. Some stories are more difficult to hear than others, some touch too close to my own and often I cry too. It’s been a part of my practice since I started to practice, since I was a student actually. Why? I didn’t know, I could just feel myself open wide up to whomever was sitting across from me. I would hear myself responding and wonder where it was coming from. 

My heart. When I am in clinic I am guided by my heart. Only after about ten years did I begin to recognize it. In doing so I am more capable of helping my patients/clients recognize the power of their own hearts. 

Especially the heart in relationship to health of the whole being. It’s the old body, mind, spirit connection. The foundation of Traditional Chinese Medicine recognizes our wholeness, the new science, with the Heart Math Institute as a leader in the field, reveals the heart storing our experiences, our memories, our pain as well as our hopes and dreams. 

When we are 3-4 feet from another person our hearts begin to find resonance. When we are aware of that coherence with another person we can begin an incredible transformation. The neurons of the heart store our past experiences and they can also learn new ones. Authentically connecting with another, with oneself can be so powerful.

It blows my mind regularly how treating the body help open a pathway into the heart. How recognizing what’s held in the heart can initiate healing in the body. We must create a space of awareness and acceptance of the mysteries of everything we hold inside our hearts; it is said in TCM that the heart is the Supreme Monarch and rules over all the organs. Blood becomes a messenger that couriers to and from the heart from the whole being. 

Joy and connection are attributes of the heart. For any of you aching, suffering, take heart. Old hurt can be released, new patterns of love and connection can be formed. It takes time, it takes effort, it takes trust and space. I learn this with my patients/clients and through myself. Through my own heart that, slowly, like a bud, learning to open.

Etobicoke Lakeshore Press Articles

Hi Everyone! Checkout the  article that  I wrote for the Etobicoke Lakeshore Press. It's on page 22.

It’s a Rat!

If you know me personally, if you know me well, anything having to do with rats/mice have me high on furniture, freely sharing my vocal range and looking for a hero. These details of my life are revealed to anyone that gets close. 

I was dismayed a few years ago when a colleague confirmed I indeed had Rat in my chart. There’s lots of details as to what it means to have Rat in your chart and Chinese Astrology and Geomancy that I won’t really go into here. It’s so big and full of lots of little parts that I won’t break down in this blog. However, you can read more about this particular Rat year, (which is that it is the start of a whole new sixty year cycle and a twelve year rotation). Basically a big change is coming, one little detail at a time!

How do we live the details of life? It might be the Year of the Rat that finally scares me into some of the nitty gritty of my own. What have you been avoiding? Cause this might be the year for you too, connecting with the energies of cycles is the foundation of Chinese Medicine, why not ride the wave?

Twelve years ago I worked with Cecelia. I was needing to shift my relationship with my life and where I was living. I lived in an apartment in a neighbourhood that I adored. It was unfortunately owned by someone who didn’t love it like I did, and the place was crawling with (ironically) mice and cockroaches. I wasn’t sleeping, going to acupuncture school, on a pretty tight budget and didn’t really want to move. I had no idea it was the year of the Rat. 

Cecelia asked me to look in my cupboards, the corners, the closets, all the dark spaces. It was extremely terrifying for me. Part of my work then, twelve years ago, in the last year of the Rat, was to look into the places that not everyone looks, figuratively and literally. 

So, I did. I got brave, looked and gained so much more control over my life. For the last twelve years I’ve continued this inquiry. Looking into the scary parts of myself and whatever else scares me. Though as one does, at some point I lost momentum, got overwhelmed and forgot this strength of the Rat. 

This is one of the gifts this animal brings us. It lives in the dark spaces, it pays attention to the details there and it is able to deal with it all piece by piece. This is the energy I hope to harness. Another thing the Rat brings us is the knowledge that we don’t do it alone, community and working together is everything.

It’s been getting clearer for me that there are two big areas of my life that I’ve been avoiding. Here’s an exercise, as Rat is about doing shit together, do this with me…

Sit up straight, plant your feet to the floor, take a deep breath, let it go with a sigh, take another deep breath and release  s l o w l y. 

Make yourself small, like a tiny mouse. Walk into a room of your life, your house, your relationships, your work, your family, your heart/mind. 

Take another breath. Where are you avoiding? What is scaring you? What appears too big to manage?

Imagine you are not one, imagine you are many. Remind yourself of the support you have around you that helps divide the physical, emotional or financial load. Begin with one piece. And piece by piece imagine that you are able to break the big into bite size chunks. 

See yourself dealing with each little piece one by one and when you need a break you go to a friend, family, community member or another inner dimension of yourself that comforts you and allows you to rest. 

Rest some and come back to do it again, little bit by little bit. 

The Rat starts the twelve year cycle. (There’s a cute story about how it cunningly made it to the first spot in this link read more ) It comforts me to know that it’s not expected to have everything accomplished in one year. However, it’s a good place to start. Looking at the foundation; seeing where the blind spots are, approaching it all one piece at a time, taking stock of the resources, numbers and floor plan to get building for the next twelve years.

Are you ready? This year I am committed to leaning into my community, becoming my own hero and from a small determined place facing the big mountains I’ve been avoiding.

Here comes the Rat!

What recovery looks like

Almost every client walking into my office this week is tired. I’m feeling it too. What is it? Well it isn’t the same for each of my clients but similar in that we are recovering. And you know, it’d be nice to get a big snow storm to slow it all down a bit. Stay with me, I know snow is a pain for us all in the city, but hear me out.

Me? I’m recovering from a very busy December and the heartache of missing my family over the holidays, I was raised Christian. You’d think after so many years missing my family would be easier but actually for me it’s getting harder. There have also been people I’ve lost along the way, through deaths and breakups, all the feels come up during the holidays. Recovery requires feeling through the feels.

Several of my patients are recovering from colds and flus that just won’t quit. They’ve been sick since before the holidays. It’s a rough time of year for so many of us. Financially, emotionally and physically draining. The ups and downs in the weather hasn’t helped this season. A fade into the cold weather, though hard to accept for some, is actually a better ride for our immune systems. Recovery requires stability.

The flux in hot and cold is very confusing. Toss in the overly burdened schedule of December and we create the perfect storm for our bodies to get run down. It’s not till about now, mid-January, that we are finally finding time to rest. And even then, it can take an act of Goddess to ensure we take some time off. Hopefully that act is a snow storm and not pneumonia. Recovery requires slowing down.

Pneumonia is no joke. We are conditioned in this culture, especially the city to be burning the candle at both ends and trying to invent a third and set that on fire also! Our bodies generally do us the favour of sending warning calls but December is that one time of the year when family, work and social obligations are much louder and more demanding. Recovery requires listening to our body.

With all the gatherings, grief, gripping cold we also tend to overuse substances. Sugar, maybe not surprisingly, is at the top of the list. Over eating and over drinking and drugs (legal and otherwise), are big on the lists of mentions of my clients and I am guilty too of the decadence of food. It’s been a few weeks now and my system is just getting back on line. Getting back to my optimum diet, schedule and intake of water has regulated my body and calmed my mind. Recovery requires cleaning up your routine. 

Mixing and mingling can be overwhelming and taxing on the physical, emotional and mental bodies. It’s nice to get back into a regular groove. Sticking to a schedule and including self-care in that time. Getting back to basics with sleep, exercise and down time helps build the immunity and settle the nervous system. Recovery requires simplifying. 

Nothing better reminds us that we have no control and of the basics of survival than an act of nature. Incredibly devastating fires in Australia, my heart goes out to you all. Here in Canada we are overwhelmed sometimes by blankets of snow and cold, or as the Avalon Peninsula of Newfoundland would have it, one of the greatest blizzards of all time, avalanches included. Under these conditions we are truly forced to stay inside and calm the fuck down about all the things we cannot do. Cause you know what, life is precious. Sometimes it takes a snowstorm to help us figure it out. To count our blessings, to rest in our fortunes, to stay warm and rested. Recovery requires gratitude.

Sometimes recovery can only come after we’ve had to experience hardship and devastation, we’ve hit rock bottom or are at the end of our rope. We come to understand we really have  control that we are being dragged along and mostly just trying to keep it together while keeping up with the Kardashians. We all live our life by design. We don’t have don’t have to be broke, hungover for a week,  experience extreme anxiety or require a snow storm to get there.

Feeling tired is a symptom. Recovery is a choice. 

New Year’s Contradictions - Shame and Compassion

The thing about the New Year is this; so Much Pressure!  Resolutions. Intentions. Gym Memberships. Diets. No drinking, smoking, drugs, Netflix, Facebook, sugar, cheese. More sleep, exercise, water, you time, friends and family time, outdoor time. Gah. I have a headache.

The other thing is, there is a big part of us that wants to change. There is a person inside of each of us that is looking to be healthier, calmer, less addicted, content and happy. There is also a person inside of us interested in comfort and staying the same.

So how do we nurture our growth intentions instead of setting ourselves up for failure? Cause that what I feel like when I don’t follow through. I feel like I’ve wasted a wish, like I’m not strong enough, smart enough, worth it,  like I didn’t really mean it, cause if I did I’d do it already. And holy shame spiral batman!

Like seriously! And it doesn’t help that it’s so dull and dreary and cold and snowy in Canada this time of year, the start of a new calendar year! So I use that as a another excuse and fall back into the same rhythms and patterns and disappointment and shame.

So here’s what I’ve been doing these past two years and I’m doing it again this year. I’m growing compassion and I’m fertilizing it with shame. That’s right. You heard me.

I am certainly setting intentions for more. I’m wishing on every first star I see. I’m honouring the part of me that wants more out of life and for myself, that is choosing to evolve for the sake of the whole. I’m allowing my idealistic human heart room to become bigger.

Cause what the hell else am I going to do with my life, my gifts of sensitivity and courage, how else can I express gratitude for the pretty sweet imperfect life I get to live?

So every time I feel shame for my imperfections, not getting the blog out on time, eating that whole bag of chips watching a whole other Netflix series in one weekend and not doing all the things I said I’d do. Every time shame comes in to remind me how unworthy and incapable I am, I am getting better at recognizing it for what it really is.

Shame is really an opportunity to grow self-compassion. I’m composting that shit. See here’s the thing. I don’t want to not succeed at reaching my goals. I’ve always wanted more from myself and of myself and do believe in the underlying good in this world. There’s also bat shit crazy bad shit that’s in this world and within myself and  I’ve got to also honour that. I am, we all are walking contradictions.

I’ve also come to appreciate that there is great learning that comes from seeing and accepting these things about myself. reaching goals is learning the pathways. Finding the roadblocks. And the biggest roadblocks are the ones that aren’t so easy to see. It’s not cause we’re lazy, cause we don’t have time, cause we don’t have money or other resources, those are all front men to distract you from what is really going on behind the curtain. The evils that keeps up in the loops of complacency and mediocrity.

All of those belief systems unidentified can make us all feel incapable and confused. It’s uncovering them that will make resolutions make sense in time. Don’t give up on reaching the goals you create. In fact get strong in your intention. Get stronger by using those old beliefs that keep you on a cycle of repeat to fertilize your goals. Growing into the New Year and a new self all the while.

Bring it on 2020. I see you.

These dark days of forced light

So far this week I have around me five deaths; a family member, patents family, family & friends of friends. Friends and family also struggling with some big deal health conditions, in and out of hospital. It’s also a time of year when people take their own lives or begin a season of binge drinking, eating and faux holiday cheer as the bills pile up and expectations are ramped. Adding pressure on top of pressure. Boom

Happy Holidays.

I’m not trying to be the Grinch here. I just want to shed light on the struggles of so many of us have over this season. It’s not all eggnog & mistletoe. I know, I don’t need to tell you that. You’re human too. 

But none of us really like that part; do we? Being human, with all the feels. We want to be comfortable with the ho ho hos and the jingle bells and the deck the halls. It’s embarrassing when we can’t get into the holiday spirit and sometimes it makes other people uncomfortable. It’s a full time job, maintaining the status quo. It’s like when you choose to not have a drink or a piece of rum cake but there’s that one friend that just really thinks you should, you deserve it, it’s Christmas for Christ’s sakes!

It’s a shame really.

It’s the forced cheer, treats, joy & holiday spirit that are exactly what makes us feel awful in the moment, or the next day or with every jingle that sparks a memory of those we’ve lost and moments we’ve never ever had. 

Still, there’s something about the season that lies beneath the consumerism, the big show of tinsel and ornamental clutter. There is a genuine desire to be kind, to come together, to hold each other through the darkest days and share the light together. It’s a beautiful intention. 

Can we grieve and feel joy at the same time? 

I really believe we can. I believe we don’t need to force the merry & bright. If we don’t feel it, I believe there can still be room at the inn for every feeling and we needent have to all jolly if it isn’t how it is. So, how do we take care of ourselves & each other over these dark days? 

Let them be. Let the grief come out if it needs to. Tell your pal who you know is struggling that he can miss your party but maybe you guys can have a coffee in the week. Or maybe even though she’s feeling low she can still come and find a cozy corner and feel the glow and take in whatever comfort she is willing and able to. Community is still so important.

Because we allow the darkness in doesn’t mean we are denying the light. Allowing the darkness to find it’s fullness of expression actually gives us a chance to get closer to the brighter other side. Darkness, pain, when denied can swallow you from the inside out. When we allow it to come fully, welcome it’s presence and accept it as a part of us, that is the magic that allows transformation to the other side. The full spectrum of our humanity arises when we allow ourselves s to be seen for who/how we truly are/feel. We create the space/compassion that makes peace on earth possible for all of us.

Happy Holidays.

Have you ever been so wrong?

Got involved with someone who really wasn’t right for you? Started a job that wasn’t anything like you expected it to be? Joined a community of people that you realized were so far from your centre of personal, professional and political values? 

I’ve been there. I got there because in the beginning I believed in it. I really believed it was right for me. And I chased it hard. Ran face and eyes into it. Once I got there, in the middle of it all, I woke up one day to realize I was wrong. And not just a little off, but wrong. Like ‘holy fuck what am I doing here’ wrong!

You know what happens then don’t you? I mean if you’ve been here you know what happens.

You start in with the self-doubt, depreciation, blame, shame and fear that you can never be trusted again. I mean, how could you have made such a bad decision, had such poor judgement, let yourself get so lost!? Gawd, we are so hard on ourselves aren’t we?

Were we so wrong tho? There was something calling us there, maybe it was delusion but it was something that we choose to give our attention to. And there is something greatly learned, or can be, by giving of ourselves, even if it doesn’t work out in the end.  

What we choose to pay attention to is determined by so many things; our dreams and ambitions, our fear of lack and isolation, our past traumas and conditionings that we have not been able to see or heal, yet.  

And here is the thing. Every romantic tantrum, every toxic workplace and every soul sucking community can all lead us toward a life that is more empowered and joyfully aligned. If we let it.

We allow our life to align more with our deepest sense of self and what’s good when we begin practices of self-love and compassion. We can then take responsibility for our choices, especially those that don’t work out. It’s easy to blame the other or ourselves and blame is really not helpful when it comes to taking responsibility. Taking responsibility looks like acknowledging your hurts, your dreams, your lessons learned and your desire to keep growing and acting in that direction. 

You can also beat the shit out of yourself and learn to hate and mistrust people and life and overall be miserable. It’s a well worn path, there’s lots of company in the land of the status quo.

Or you can wrap yourself in a blanket of forgiveness, self-love and compassion and decide to take the night off to be sad that it didn’t work out and pick yourself up the next day and try again. Knowing full well you may be wrong again someday, that is to say, you may again find yourself in a situation that you realize isn’t right for you. From there, well, you know what to do. 

 Keep on keeping on my friends. You are a child of the universe, doing your best and loved every step along the way.

The Reframe

Hearing myself talk to myself can sometimes be so sickening. So harsh & hurtful. It’s a repetition of ways I’ve learned; being spoken to or have heard others speak to themselves or each other not to mention the gulf of messages from dominant culture.

 And, of course, the more I do it, the more it’s just a repetition of myself, berating myself, feeding the machine. A pathway getting well worn by negative self-talk viruses on the war path to my jugular.

 Critical. I’ve learned in my practice to accept, respect and hold compassion for the imperfections of my patients. I hear their own self talk; see the little evils of negativity, the violent language.

 It’s easier to see it from a distance and know it for what it is; learned behaviours, stories, frameworks that keep us trickling through a pattern of self-doubt & sabotage. I’ve had to seek out people to help me identify my own blind spots. Thank you everyone who’s been there!

 The battle has been fierce & I know that we are all facing our viruses/daemons in some way, even if the way is not facing them at all. It’s easy to think of a drug or alcohol addiction or a deep dangerous infection.

 We don’t as quickly associate negative self-talk or limiting beliefs. However, these are actually the most damaging. It’s these unseen constant nagging eruptions that keeps up in the loop of reaching for something outside ourselves to make us feel okay; drugs, pills, people, food, Facebook!

 Today I am offering you 3 keys of the reframe. It’s been a while for this to come fully into my consciousness but now that it’s arrived I want to put it out there on the table for you to tap into.

 1.      Start to see them for what they are. You don’t have to know where they are coming from, however, it’s important to see these negative notes fly onto your screen. You will become more conscious once you begin detecting these little fucking viruses.

2.      Enable virus protection. Honestly, fuck those notes! You see them coming & you are all over that shit. “Thanks for coming out, I see you. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” Because you are busy being an imperfect human living a life full of all kinds of experiences and this is just one. So, notice it and keep going in the direction of your dreams.

3.      The reframe opportunity. “Oh wow, look at that, I am my own virus scanner! Killing it;)”. There will likely be a little backlash from the viruses, like the itch from the mosquitos that suck your blood, releasing a poison into your body to make the blood pour from your veins, easier for them to gobble up. The viruses will bully you into believing that you in fact need them & they are keeping you safe. Don’t fall for that shit. Go back to step 1 & repeat.

 The undertaking can seam daunting at the start but it’s where you’ll end up that will change your perspective. So, just get started. Deflect one negative thought, squashing one persistent virus at a time can reinforce your reframe skills making you a pro bullshit detector as the days go on. And the days will go on :-)

 What I can share from tracking my negative self-talk to the foul swamps of my unconscious is; you aren’t the first to get stuck in it, you won’t be the last & you’ve got all the shit you need there to transform your life!

I did it. Then I didn’t know what to do.

I made a big move last year. I bought a home, the biggest financial investment I’ve ever made and a huge commitment to take care of and ground myself. It was quite the feat. The whole way along I kept the mantra “I’ll just see how far it goes, I’ll use it as a learning opportunity”. Suddenly the deal was signed, the keys received a month later and I woke up in my new home entering a new cycle of the sun a few days after the paint dried. There I was, in the middle of a life I’d built and I felt lost.

Over the years of my life I had invented and reinvented myself over and over again. I’d done my best to fit in along the way, but it wasn’t my nature to fully settle into something. Funny how it took me four decades to see the patterns emerge. Well, those I’ve so far seen, you can bet there are more.

Likely it was in my second decade when I started to use the ‘Shedding Skins’ metaphor. Partially as a way to feel confident and empowered by the fact that my skin was dry and flakey and partially to make sense of what felt like emotional writhing and a stripping away of beliefs and structures that I had to shift out of.

Once again, this time with a mortgage and at the age of 42, I was feeling uncomfortable in my skin. I started to feel the itch of layers sloughing off. Except this time, I wasn’t able to draw on the usual “Life did this to me” story that I played out, with every heart ache and behavioural glitch and trauma trigger that initiate the big moves in the past. Suddenly I knew it was now all me. I was making it all happen. For better and worse.

There was the home, the amazing family and friends and co-workers that I had been blessed with and nurtured in my life. It was all my life and it was amazing and I needed to get away from it.

So, I started running. And I realized I couldn’t run into the usual places. They were lost to me, I’d long outgrown them. With the exception of cigarettes, I had come back to them and they were the best long lost friend a girl could have. But the food no longer worked, my body had already stood firm on that. The booze as well had been all but eradicated from my life, though like a few one night stands I gave it my best shot a few times. Both left me with unease and a headache and not quite regret but the taste of wasted time. It was empty high and I quickly learned there was no comfort there, as I had learned years ago when I took a few drugs for a ride. Even going to Cuba, I know, boo hoo, but if you’ve experienced anything resembling what I’m describing, you know what I mean.

I was seeking some form of comfort and also began to push it away when it came or realized I didn’t know how to receive it. My friends and colleagues offered support and treatment and I resisted everything. My parents, brother, sister in law & nephew came to stay and I wasn’t fully present. The only place I functioned at all was in the treatment room, serving my patients, this was the only thing that made sense.  I continued to show up there.

Perhaps it was in this act of consistency that I started to generate into a new movement. Showing up for my patients and seeing the depth of their pain and suffering helped me see my own. I saw the strength it took for them to be vulnerable and the energy it took to hide. All helping me realize that I needed to start reaching out if I truly wanted things to change.

From there it began. I started taking herbs, getting treated regularly, talking about the old stories less, pooping and sleeping more, taking myself for walks, assessing relationships and saying yes to anything new.

I went back in time and to old stomping grounds. The Island of Newfoundland and a blast from the past band I loved. I became a groupie once again and allowed myself to live the freedom of being young and throwing it all on the dance floor. Three nights of Fur Packed Action. Still no booze. And the day I left my island home I left the cigarettes behind with it. I stared smoking there when I was 12 and smoked anywhere between casual and addictively with several 3 year breaks since. It seemed appropriate to leave them there 30 years later.

It surprises me to say that I have had a habit for thirty years. I’m also embarrassed by it as I am aware of the judgements that can come along with revealing any form of ‘bad habit’ or addiction, especially being a health care worker. Well the commonly socially judged ones anyway. Strangely sugar doesn’t make the list so much and is likely the most dangerous.

What also doesn’t make the list are the old thought patterns and belief systems that keep us/me spinning year after year. Not fully emerging into myself for fear or other self-limiting beliefs. Feeling stuck and looking for the next big move.

Fiji. Yeah I went there. Found a group that was mentoring me on my personal development and professional goals and decided to join them in Fiji! I mean why not. It was something that spoke to my soul and I needed to hear it. And so I ran into it, terrified and uncertain. And it felt like it was something. Something big.

It wasn’t what I thought it would be. It showed me a very old story that I thought I had healed and dealt with. I was angry and scared and embarrassed the first 2 days and then suddenly I realized all that I had become. That every movement I made brought me there and I realized I had the choice to jump into the flow or continue to battle what I truly felt inside.

Starting points: a life in wellness.

When I meet a patient for the first time we go over their health history and reason for treatment; fertility, digestive disorders, back pain, anxiety etc. And if they haven’t already mentioned it, I will ask them if they have ever had acupuncture. Most haven’t. Some are scared of needles. All are curious.

So, we take our time and when the 1st point is placed we pause, then the second point and usually by the third point they say something.

I wait for whatever it is they say. This is the start of something that has great potential. I listen, I don’t know what they will say. There are many similarities about what each person will feel. What they feel when receiving acupuncture is pretty amazing.

Some people feel very little after the initial point. People feel differently depending on where the needles are placed. But this is not what they comment on usually.

Usually they say; ‘it’s like I feel warm all over”, or “I can feel this current moving through me” or “I don’t know what it is but it’s like something is moving” or “wow, I just felt my whole body relax” or once I heard “it’s like I just felt the sun shine all over me”.

We can use biology and neuroscience to explain the sensations and feelings. Inserting a needle does increase blood flow, it does cause a mini injury sending information via the neurotransmitters to the brain creating a response system. We call it Qi.

This is what I find interesting, finding words to how we experience acupuncture is mostly about how we experience the subtle nature of our bodies. There are things we cannot see. There are things that are hard to explain. There are experiences that can only be known through the body. This somatic moment activates a deep knowing within us.

This experience, this knowing is the beginning of healing. Listen in, find the words, trust your experience and knowing. This awareness and articulation of self is an invaluable tool for the rest of your life in wellness.

Renee Pilgrim R.TCMP