The thing about the New Year is this; so Much Pressure! Resolutions. Intentions. Gym Memberships. Diets. No drinking, smoking, drugs, Netflix, Facebook, sugar, cheese. More sleep, exercise, water, you time, friends and family time, outdoor time. Gah. I have a headache.

The other thing is, there is a big part of us that wants to change. There is a person inside of each of us that is looking to be healthier, calmer, less addicted, content and happy. There is also a person inside of us interested in comfort and staying the same.

So how do we nurture our growth intentions instead of setting ourselves up for failure? Cause that what I feel like when I don’t follow through. I feel like I’ve wasted a wish, like I’m not strong enough, smart enough, worth it, like I didn’t really mean it, cause if I did I’d do it already. And holy shame spiral batman!

Like seriously! And it doesn’t help that it’s so dull and dreary and cold and snowy in Canada this time of year, the start of a new calendar year! So I use that as a another excuse and fall back into the same rhythms and patterns and disappointment and shame.

So here’s what I’ve been doing these past two years and I’m doing it again this year. I’m growing compassion and I’m fertilizing it with shame. That’s right. You heard me.

I am certainly setting intentions for more. I’m wishing on every first star I see. I’m honouring the part of me that wants more out of life and for myself, that is choosing to evolve for the sake of the whole. I’m allowing my idealistic human heart room to become bigger.

Cause what the hell else am I going to do with my life, my gifts of sensitivity and courage, how else can I express gratitude for the pretty sweet imperfect life I get to live?

So every time I feel shame for my imperfections, not getting the blog out on time, eating that whole bag of chips watching a whole other Netflix series in one weekend and not doing all the things I said I’d do. Every time shame comes in to remind me how unworthy and incapable I am, I am getting better at recognizing it for what it really is.

Shame is really an opportunity to grow self-compassion. I’m composting that shit. See here’s the thing. I don’t want to not succeed at reaching my goals. I’ve always wanted more from myself and of myself and do believe in the underlying good in this world. There’s also bat shit crazy bad shit that’s in this world and within myself and I’ve got to also honour that. I am, we all are walking contradictions.

I’ve also come to appreciate that there is great learning that comes from seeing and accepting these things about myself. reaching goals is learning the pathways. Finding the roadblocks. And the biggest roadblocks are the ones that aren’t so easy to see. It’s not cause we’re lazy, cause we don’t have time, cause we don’t have money or other resources, those are all front men to distract you from what is really going on behind the curtain. The evils that keeps up in the loops of complacency and mediocrity.

All of those belief systems unidentified can make us all feel incapable and confused. It’s uncovering them that will make resolutions make sense in time. Don’t give up on reaching the goals you create. In fact get strong in your intention. Get stronger by using those old beliefs that keep you on a cycle of repeat to fertilize your goals. Growing into the New Year and a new self all the while.

Bring it on 2020. I see you.