Take Heart

It surprises people that as an acupuncturist, my patients/clients reveal so much personal information to me. Particularly about past trauma, deep fear, old grief and feelings trapped in the body. Often when this personal information is revealed there are tears and many are surprised that they have suddenly opened their hearts and shared so much with someone they hardly know.

I’m used to it by now. Some stories are more difficult to hear than others, some touch too close to my own and often I cry too. It’s been a part of my practice since I started to practice, since I was a student actually. Why? I didn’t know, I could just feel myself open wide up to whomever was sitting across from me. I would hear myself responding and wonder where it was coming from. 

My heart. When I am in clinic I am guided by my heart. Only after about ten years did I begin to recognize it. In doing so I am more capable of helping my patients/clients recognize the power of their own hearts. 

Especially the heart in relationship to health of the whole being. It’s the old body, mind, spirit connection. The foundation of Traditional Chinese Medicine recognizes our wholeness, the new science, with the Heart Math Institute as a leader in the field, reveals the heart storing our experiences, our memories, our pain as well as our hopes and dreams. 

When we are 3-4 feet from another person our hearts begin to find resonance. When we are aware of that coherence with another person we can begin an incredible transformation. The neurons of the heart store our past experiences and they can also learn new ones. Authentically connecting with another, with oneself can be so powerful.

It blows my mind regularly how treating the body help open a pathway into the heart. How recognizing what’s held in the heart can initiate healing in the body. We must create a space of awareness and acceptance of the mysteries of everything we hold inside our hearts; it is said in TCM that the heart is the Supreme Monarch and rules over all the organs. Blood becomes a messenger that couriers to and from the heart from the whole being. 

Joy and connection are attributes of the heart. For any of you aching, suffering, take heart. Old hurt can be released, new patterns of love and connection can be formed. It takes time, it takes effort, it takes trust and space. I learn this with my patients/clients and through myself. Through my own heart that, slowly, like a bud, learning to open.

Etobicoke Lakeshore Press Articles

Hi Everyone! Checkout the  article that  I wrote for the Etobicoke Lakeshore Press. It's on page 22.

It’s a Rat!

If you know me personally, if you know me well, anything having to do with rats/mice have me high on furniture, freely sharing my vocal range and looking for a hero. These details of my life are revealed to anyone that gets close. 

I was dismayed a few years ago when a colleague confirmed I indeed had Rat in my chart. There’s lots of details as to what it means to have Rat in your chart and Chinese Astrology and Geomancy that I won’t really go into here. It’s so big and full of lots of little parts that I won’t break down in this blog. However, you can read more about this particular Rat year, (which is that it is the start of a whole new sixty year cycle and a twelve year rotation). Basically a big change is coming, one little detail at a time!

How do we live the details of life? It might be the Year of the Rat that finally scares me into some of the nitty gritty of my own. What have you been avoiding? Cause this might be the year for you too, connecting with the energies of cycles is the foundation of Chinese Medicine, why not ride the wave?

Twelve years ago I worked with Cecelia. I was needing to shift my relationship with my life and where I was living. I lived in an apartment in a neighbourhood that I adored. It was unfortunately owned by someone who didn’t love it like I did, and the place was crawling with (ironically) mice and cockroaches. I wasn’t sleeping, going to acupuncture school, on a pretty tight budget and didn’t really want to move. I had no idea it was the year of the Rat. 

Cecelia asked me to look in my cupboards, the corners, the closets, all the dark spaces. It was extremely terrifying for me. Part of my work then, twelve years ago, in the last year of the Rat, was to look into the places that not everyone looks, figuratively and literally. 

So, I did. I got brave, looked and gained so much more control over my life. For the last twelve years I’ve continued this inquiry. Looking into the scary parts of myself and whatever else scares me. Though as one does, at some point I lost momentum, got overwhelmed and forgot this strength of the Rat. 

This is one of the gifts this animal brings us. It lives in the dark spaces, it pays attention to the details there and it is able to deal with it all piece by piece. This is the energy I hope to harness. Another thing the Rat brings us is the knowledge that we don’t do it alone, community and working together is everything.

It’s been getting clearer for me that there are two big areas of my life that I’ve been avoiding. Here’s an exercise, as Rat is about doing shit together, do this with me…

Sit up straight, plant your feet to the floor, take a deep breath, let it go with a sigh, take another deep breath and release  s l o w l y. 

Make yourself small, like a tiny mouse. Walk into a room of your life, your house, your relationships, your work, your family, your heart/mind. 

Take another breath. Where are you avoiding? What is scaring you? What appears too big to manage?

Imagine you are not one, imagine you are many. Remind yourself of the support you have around you that helps divide the physical, emotional or financial load. Begin with one piece. And piece by piece imagine that you are able to break the big into bite size chunks. 

See yourself dealing with each little piece one by one and when you need a break you go to a friend, family, community member or another inner dimension of yourself that comforts you and allows you to rest. 

Rest some and come back to do it again, little bit by little bit. 

The Rat starts the twelve year cycle. (There’s a cute story about how it cunningly made it to the first spot in this link read more ) It comforts me to know that it’s not expected to have everything accomplished in one year. However, it’s a good place to start. Looking at the foundation; seeing where the blind spots are, approaching it all one piece at a time, taking stock of the resources, numbers and floor plan to get building for the next twelve years.

Are you ready? This year I am committed to leaning into my community, becoming my own hero and from a small determined place facing the big mountains I’ve been avoiding.

Here comes the Rat!

New Year’s Contradictions - Shame and Compassion

The thing about the New Year is this; so Much Pressure!  Resolutions. Intentions. Gym Memberships. Diets. No drinking, smoking, drugs, Netflix, Facebook, sugar, cheese. More sleep, exercise, water, you time, friends and family time, outdoor time. Gah. I have a headache.

The other thing is, there is a big part of us that wants to change. There is a person inside of each of us that is looking to be healthier, calmer, less addicted, content and happy. There is also a person inside of us interested in comfort and staying the same.

So how do we nurture our growth intentions instead of setting ourselves up for failure? Cause that what I feel like when I don’t follow through. I feel like I’ve wasted a wish, like I’m not strong enough, smart enough, worth it,  like I didn’t really mean it, cause if I did I’d do it already. And holy shame spiral batman!

Like seriously! And it doesn’t help that it’s so dull and dreary and cold and snowy in Canada this time of year, the start of a new calendar year! So I use that as a another excuse and fall back into the same rhythms and patterns and disappointment and shame.

So here’s what I’ve been doing these past two years and I’m doing it again this year. I’m growing compassion and I’m fertilizing it with shame. That’s right. You heard me.

I am certainly setting intentions for more. I’m wishing on every first star I see. I’m honouring the part of me that wants more out of life and for myself, that is choosing to evolve for the sake of the whole. I’m allowing my idealistic human heart room to become bigger.

Cause what the hell else am I going to do with my life, my gifts of sensitivity and courage, how else can I express gratitude for the pretty sweet imperfect life I get to live?

So every time I feel shame for my imperfections, not getting the blog out on time, eating that whole bag of chips watching a whole other Netflix series in one weekend and not doing all the things I said I’d do. Every time shame comes in to remind me how unworthy and incapable I am, I am getting better at recognizing it for what it really is.

Shame is really an opportunity to grow self-compassion. I’m composting that shit. See here’s the thing. I don’t want to not succeed at reaching my goals. I’ve always wanted more from myself and of myself and do believe in the underlying good in this world. There’s also bat shit crazy bad shit that’s in this world and within myself and  I’ve got to also honour that. I am, we all are walking contradictions.

I’ve also come to appreciate that there is great learning that comes from seeing and accepting these things about myself. reaching goals is learning the pathways. Finding the roadblocks. And the biggest roadblocks are the ones that aren’t so easy to see. It’s not cause we’re lazy, cause we don’t have time, cause we don’t have money or other resources, those are all front men to distract you from what is really going on behind the curtain. The evils that keeps up in the loops of complacency and mediocrity.

All of those belief systems unidentified can make us all feel incapable and confused. It’s uncovering them that will make resolutions make sense in time. Don’t give up on reaching the goals you create. In fact get strong in your intention. Get stronger by using those old beliefs that keep you on a cycle of repeat to fertilize your goals. Growing into the New Year and a new self all the while.

Bring it on 2020. I see you.